For awhile now, (ok more like the past almost 48 hours), I have been almost obsessively watching my blog stats, especially the stats for that little blue button on the bottom right side titled “Follow” and wondering out loud, in my head, to my husband,to JESUS, “Why is the number not moving up faster???” Why are people not following? Why, why, why when so many of these same people have offered up their support of my endeavors on so many different occasions in the past while they were asking me to buy their product, attend their meetings, write a letter/poem/piece for them, or in boxing me for a list of modeling/talent agencies for their kids, mothers, brothers friends fifth cousin on their daddy’s side who is destined for TV??? And the more my self righteous frustration grew in my head, I imagined myself as
Denzel Washington Alonzo Harris from Training Day and imagined myself saying to people “Oh no you didn’t, wait a minute, no you didn’t. You disloyal…HEY! I NEED my follows..” (If you have ever watched Training Day, speed through to the end of the movie in your mind and you will understand. If you have never seen it, you missed a great movie). But I digress… I even brought JESUS into my pity party and said, “I’m putting revenge prayers cases on all of them, and they gonna be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get done!” Ok, ok, I know, way over the top I went… And then like the caterpillar does before becoming a butterfly and has to actually digest itself by releasing enzymes to dissolve all of it’s tissues, I too had to “digest” or convert all of that negativity I was feeding myself and instead turn it into energy that my body could use for something else, like a little bit of self reflection perhaps?
Initially, it was easy to say, “I’m doing this blog because GOD laid it on my heart and if one person can be touched through something I said, I have done my job. As long as he gets the Glory, I’m good.” But I realized somewhere within these past 48 hours (I’m thinking probably right after I hit the publish button on my first blog post),my thinking shifted from “HIS GLORY” to “MY GLORY.” I also realized that the brain has a funny way of helping you remember what you DID do, but not so much what you DIDN’T do. As much as I would like to think that I was a spiritual, financial, mental and physical support whenever I COULD be to someone, without fail, I wasn’t. The times I tossed out a, “Yes! Girl, I got you!” Or a, “Just send me your link, I’ll read it and re-post.” Or my most used one, “Just let me know what you need! I got you”, when I know FULL WELL I probably should have said, ” I can’t help this time.” Or exercised the same self- discipline that I sometimes fuss at my kids about, and just followed through on what I said I would do for someone else instead of justifying my lack of follow through on my oh so busy day (sometimes) or my doing 1,000 unimportant things at once that causes me to forget THE most important things, like staying true to what I said I would do…
So, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize to anyone that I gave my word to, and then ended up taking it back without fulfilling it. To anyone who needed me, and I wasn’t there. I am striving everyday going forward to do better and better and to learn to give a slow NO instead of a fast YES:)
I am never to busy to RECEIVE a blessing, and from this day forward, I will make sure to never be to busy to BE a blessing!
Love you guys! Thanks for reading…
Philippians 2 vs. 3-4 NKJV: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better then himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interest of others.”